On my first date with blogs, I wondered how comfortable it would be to have a public online display of what you feel and face and think and do and face and see and say and shout and hear and live and….
Still, I started. I tried masking things and I did. But there were times (which I sadly have to agree that it was mostly so) when I had to sit and think, not how I put it down, but should I or not. A lot many that I had written had to be deleted. They never saw the light of the www. And today, as I face the biggest crisis of my life, I decide to question every aspect of my life. And I feel that I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have shared my blog space with anyone. It’s a burden now. And the result follows….no updates…no new posts….no readers though…LOL.
I decide to move over and have my own anonymous posts, hiding behind, and jotting down every section of my life. My life has quarters which need focus and light and I don’t have the strength to do that with the name at my birth, rather I prefer doing that with the name of my own soul. Ideally I should have deleted this page but still I want it right here as a memoir. I love them. And yes....i will use it to read your's. So all of you, post it and be sure to have my comments. How can i miss being sarcastic and arrogant in what i have to say.
A blog, I believe has more to it. It has the power to let you be the person you are. And today, I need that the most. It isn’t about readers or a page/profile or how you feel about things. It’s about YOU.
Thanks to all the readers. Well there aren’t many so I can surely name them. Oh shit…..I was joking.
Bye.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Pheerendsheep
It is KK singing “Yaaron …dosti….”
Once upon a time, long long back in INDIA…LOL…well, may be around seven or eight years ago, I had good many friends to fill up a diary. I used to pen in their details having addresses, DOB’s, phone numbers. It was required as i didn’t had a cell phone back then. I remember having more than three hundred on the list. I believed that bad or good, right or wrong, each one is as interesting as the other. I can claim that I had the ability to mingle well with any of the lot. Studious, sporty, doomed, frustrated, confused, smart, foolish, anti-socials etc were just nice flavors. I was genuinely interested in knowing someone, maintaining that and I enjoyed doing so. I never felt alone. I never had the time to plan to meet someone. They were all round and in numbers. My planned hours to freak out always used to get extended. I enjoyed the kind of networking I had.
Today, my two hands are much more than what I actually need to count my friends list on my fingers. Not that I believe in numbers and give a damn about the material inside, but it really makes me think what’s wrong now or what was wrong. I am yet to figure out if it was or if it is. I don’t have any idea how I lost them all. They are all gone. Not a single from that list could make up to this one. And as I breathe, every second away, I feel none of these would make up to my next list. I wonder who all would it be with whom I would walk the very last of my days. Or is it that this is the last one I am ever going to have, with one or two worthy additions. I guess, that’s how it all is about life. One day you get it, you start living it and one day you put it in your pocket and move on, with thoughts of taking it out again some other day. Sometimes they do come out and sometimes they don’t.
Life is so fast. We are with so baggages. We change and strain and stretch ourselves so much. We are in so many games that it’s easy to put some in my pocket and carry on. And as I do so, I reconcile or reiterate to myself that a social networking site or a ten digit number stored on my cell or a mail id which I don’t even remember (Gmail or yahoo’s auto-complete feature coming to help) are a certain guarantee that I still have him/her as my friend. And with time, the person I knew fades, changes, grows or shapes into someone I can’t connect with.
It feels as if friends aren’t for real. It feels that the term friendship is overhyped. It certainly doesn’t sum up to that much as we always hope it would. Somewhere deep down we don’t have the required to see it till there.
P.N.: Readers are more than welcome to replace the word “We” with “I” in the last two lines and read it from my context.
Once upon a time, long long back in INDIA…LOL…well, may be around seven or eight years ago, I had good many friends to fill up a diary. I used to pen in their details having addresses, DOB’s, phone numbers. It was required as i didn’t had a cell phone back then. I remember having more than three hundred on the list. I believed that bad or good, right or wrong, each one is as interesting as the other. I can claim that I had the ability to mingle well with any of the lot. Studious, sporty, doomed, frustrated, confused, smart, foolish, anti-socials etc were just nice flavors. I was genuinely interested in knowing someone, maintaining that and I enjoyed doing so. I never felt alone. I never had the time to plan to meet someone. They were all round and in numbers. My planned hours to freak out always used to get extended. I enjoyed the kind of networking I had.
Today, my two hands are much more than what I actually need to count my friends list on my fingers. Not that I believe in numbers and give a damn about the material inside, but it really makes me think what’s wrong now or what was wrong. I am yet to figure out if it was or if it is. I don’t have any idea how I lost them all. They are all gone. Not a single from that list could make up to this one. And as I breathe, every second away, I feel none of these would make up to my next list. I wonder who all would it be with whom I would walk the very last of my days. Or is it that this is the last one I am ever going to have, with one or two worthy additions. I guess, that’s how it all is about life. One day you get it, you start living it and one day you put it in your pocket and move on, with thoughts of taking it out again some other day. Sometimes they do come out and sometimes they don’t.
Life is so fast. We are with so baggages. We change and strain and stretch ourselves so much. We are in so many games that it’s easy to put some in my pocket and carry on. And as I do so, I reconcile or reiterate to myself that a social networking site or a ten digit number stored on my cell or a mail id which I don’t even remember (Gmail or yahoo’s auto-complete feature coming to help) are a certain guarantee that I still have him/her as my friend. And with time, the person I knew fades, changes, grows or shapes into someone I can’t connect with.
It feels as if friends aren’t for real. It feels that the term friendship is overhyped. It certainly doesn’t sum up to that much as we always hope it would. Somewhere deep down we don’t have the required to see it till there.
P.N.: Readers are more than welcome to replace the word “We” with “I” in the last two lines and read it from my context.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Memorabilia
Break every rule you can. That is something I always believe. I feel that one needs to move out of the queue, do something he would love to irrespective of the examples he might have of the same, fail and fall and stand up. That’s how experience is supposed to be gained and that’s how one’s life should be by my terms.
With no intention to study and do something for my profile, I joined engineering and landed up at a place where we were supposed to follow a hundred minutes class (three to four a day), supposed to bear with faculties who had only one intention of screwing us by any means they could, supposed to be in a city which had just four cinema halls and a beach fourteen kilometers away to freak out for four years, and many other supposed to’s. I had only one thing in my mind. I was free. I was all on my own and had all the roads in front of me to explore whatever and whichever way I wanted. I did things which one might say is common but the way I did it and the level at which I used to play the game was quite different. I didn’t repent being that way and I had a cool time enjoying my life smoking, drinking, watching movies, playing PC games and reading novels. Bunking a night playing cards and passing it talking all the way in a room with seven other similar minded people seemed heaven. Talk of regularity and perseverance and I always felt bad. I knew I never had that and I was born that way. Talk of results and studies, well; do I need to say how I must have felt regarding that? To help my readers better understand my mind at that phase, me and my roomy didn’t appear for our semester exams just to finish the last part of a game called “recoil”. That was the dedication and conviction level I used to have while enjoying my life. Just for a count, I was never able to fill up the semester forms at the price they used to come cause for that you would always need a go from all your respective subject professors regarding the attendance. I filled all of my eight semester exam forms by the super-tatkal scheme which starts seven days before the actual exam. When I used to hit the professor cabins for a go, my friends used to get ready with their final touches for the exam. Semesters and normal wee day college schedules has always found me the same careless way. But I didn’t regret a bit of it. I never had a career mania and never believed in planning. My past was eventful enough to make me understand that in the game of life, no plan survives and in fact no plan is the master plan. I fail to understand why but there was some voice in me which always talked to me quite convincingly that whatever be it, I will be out, will be good and shall be just fine. As was might be destiny I guess, I did quite well in the campus recruitment drive to my own surprise. And one day, I found myself selected for a firm. Nothing changed for me. Just that my inner voice was now GOD like. It kept on growing and I kept on following the same beat.
After a bit more than two and a half years of time………………………………
On a Monday, you get up early in the morning by ten. Fix up your weary head, have a look at yourself admiring and missing the life you had for the last two days. You can’t put it off or avoid it and you have to start for it. You get ready and start off with your friend towards a life which you hate and love. And suddenly, amidst all the people and traffic an idea hits you.
What if we go for breakfast, take our own time for it, drive off to a nearby multiplex for a twelve ‘o clock screening of a recent flick, have lunch by four at macD’, come back home, have coffee at the roof with bloody kids playing all around watching the sun set and arguing over topics and then off again to watch a downloaded IMDB listed flick and for the final touch we can always have barista, sipping away time and then we can have the pleasure of meeting people back from work on a Monday.
Well, I admit I have treated myself many a time to such indulgence and indiscipline and freakiness but I also do admit that there are many such “what if” things which go answered with each new day. My brain, quite incapable of doing things in normal way and my life quite incapable of showing me a smooth road ahead, always jumps here and there full with all such “what if”’ subjects. I never am short of them. Nez….i go to office, have a job still with me….have some work to put my brain into…..and surely feel exhausted and tensed about all of it. I move on….each day, with quite a show of discipline considering the life I always had lead in the past in the college and school days and that surprises me many a times. I have people around who feel that another seven ten years of time will be all for them. They fail to see them in this schedule facing and having every bit of it each day. I dare say, I see myself more, at least years, five or ten more than them. And somewhere down I know, it was my that very undisciplined and careless life which I had lead that now helps me to bear and face it all. They say, whatever I did was crap and can never help anyone or do any good but I say, at least am better off than people who have struggled their lives burning the lamp whole year, reading and trying to get better, thinking and planning and failing and again re-planning all of it and trying out again and landing up at the same row, unable to see what good they got out of it. As an add-on I also have my days with me that I shall always cherish. And when I say “they”, I had a bunch of them whom I still remember including some elderly figures too.
It hardly matters what you do if you really know how to make something good out of it. I might not have known or thought so when I was all at it……but who cares, things turned out fine for me. Life has its own course. Let it take its own and do follow your own. They all say, they all tell, they all preach and sadly they all still fail. Distance is what matters the most. We journey ahead, not how to sit or sleep but to reach. And the day we reach, we end. :)
With no intention to study and do something for my profile, I joined engineering and landed up at a place where we were supposed to follow a hundred minutes class (three to four a day), supposed to bear with faculties who had only one intention of screwing us by any means they could, supposed to be in a city which had just four cinema halls and a beach fourteen kilometers away to freak out for four years, and many other supposed to’s. I had only one thing in my mind. I was free. I was all on my own and had all the roads in front of me to explore whatever and whichever way I wanted. I did things which one might say is common but the way I did it and the level at which I used to play the game was quite different. I didn’t repent being that way and I had a cool time enjoying my life smoking, drinking, watching movies, playing PC games and reading novels. Bunking a night playing cards and passing it talking all the way in a room with seven other similar minded people seemed heaven. Talk of regularity and perseverance and I always felt bad. I knew I never had that and I was born that way. Talk of results and studies, well; do I need to say how I must have felt regarding that? To help my readers better understand my mind at that phase, me and my roomy didn’t appear for our semester exams just to finish the last part of a game called “recoil”. That was the dedication and conviction level I used to have while enjoying my life. Just for a count, I was never able to fill up the semester forms at the price they used to come cause for that you would always need a go from all your respective subject professors regarding the attendance. I filled all of my eight semester exam forms by the super-tatkal scheme which starts seven days before the actual exam. When I used to hit the professor cabins for a go, my friends used to get ready with their final touches for the exam. Semesters and normal wee day college schedules has always found me the same careless way. But I didn’t regret a bit of it. I never had a career mania and never believed in planning. My past was eventful enough to make me understand that in the game of life, no plan survives and in fact no plan is the master plan. I fail to understand why but there was some voice in me which always talked to me quite convincingly that whatever be it, I will be out, will be good and shall be just fine. As was might be destiny I guess, I did quite well in the campus recruitment drive to my own surprise. And one day, I found myself selected for a firm. Nothing changed for me. Just that my inner voice was now GOD like. It kept on growing and I kept on following the same beat.
After a bit more than two and a half years of time………………………………
On a Monday, you get up early in the morning by ten. Fix up your weary head, have a look at yourself admiring and missing the life you had for the last two days. You can’t put it off or avoid it and you have to start for it. You get ready and start off with your friend towards a life which you hate and love. And suddenly, amidst all the people and traffic an idea hits you.
What if we go for breakfast, take our own time for it, drive off to a nearby multiplex for a twelve ‘o clock screening of a recent flick, have lunch by four at macD’, come back home, have coffee at the roof with bloody kids playing all around watching the sun set and arguing over topics and then off again to watch a downloaded IMDB listed flick and for the final touch we can always have barista, sipping away time and then we can have the pleasure of meeting people back from work on a Monday.
Well, I admit I have treated myself many a time to such indulgence and indiscipline and freakiness but I also do admit that there are many such “what if” things which go answered with each new day. My brain, quite incapable of doing things in normal way and my life quite incapable of showing me a smooth road ahead, always jumps here and there full with all such “what if”’ subjects. I never am short of them. Nez….i go to office, have a job still with me….have some work to put my brain into…..and surely feel exhausted and tensed about all of it. I move on….each day, with quite a show of discipline considering the life I always had lead in the past in the college and school days and that surprises me many a times. I have people around who feel that another seven ten years of time will be all for them. They fail to see them in this schedule facing and having every bit of it each day. I dare say, I see myself more, at least years, five or ten more than them. And somewhere down I know, it was my that very undisciplined and careless life which I had lead that now helps me to bear and face it all. They say, whatever I did was crap and can never help anyone or do any good but I say, at least am better off than people who have struggled their lives burning the lamp whole year, reading and trying to get better, thinking and planning and failing and again re-planning all of it and trying out again and landing up at the same row, unable to see what good they got out of it. As an add-on I also have my days with me that I shall always cherish. And when I say “they”, I had a bunch of them whom I still remember including some elderly figures too.
It hardly matters what you do if you really know how to make something good out of it. I might not have known or thought so when I was all at it……but who cares, things turned out fine for me. Life has its own course. Let it take its own and do follow your own. They all say, they all tell, they all preach and sadly they all still fail. Distance is what matters the most. We journey ahead, not how to sit or sleep but to reach. And the day we reach, we end. :)
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